The house was farpotshket. Time for a hyggrade.

A while ago I discovered that oikodomophobia is a new and terrible disease, the fear of having oiks come round to your house and make a mess of it.

It often leads to a farpotshket decorating job (farpotshket – a yiddish word meaning “broken because someone tried to fix it”).

So if you have a farpotshket wardrobe, you are left with no option but to use the chairdrobe (piling clothes on a chair), or even the floordrobe (an obvious one).

How did we survive without these wonderful words?

You may find all this unlightening (learning something that makes you dumber), but I don’t want to  get lost in a blabyrinth (the untraceable trail back to the person who started the rumour).

If you own a property in London you are probably suffering from cashtration (the act of buying a house, leaving the sufferer financially impotent), which even christmas intaxication (euphoria at getting a tax rebate, which only lasts until you realize it was your money in the first place) cannot cure.

But you can start the new year with a house wakeover (opening the eyes to new possibilities) and a hyggrade (the effect of new scandinavian furniture). We’re still giving a 5% discount for January decorating jobs booked before Christmas for January.

Me – I’m ready for my bedgasm (the feeling of euphoria on getting into bed at the end of a long day).

Happy Christmas

Geoff Parvin