I’m sorry about lowering the tone of my newsletters.
I really, really try to make them informative and worth your while. But then someone presents me with information like this, and all my good intentions vanish in a puff of smoke.
You may have seen my recent newsletter about painting with peanut butter.
The client who asked us to paint his room with it has not yet called back for his quote, but some of our readers – you know who you are – took up the thought.
And what a fine job you have done. Clients of other painters and decorators could not come close to you. I am humbled to be your painter and decorator.
There is, it transpires, considerable science on the subject of painting with peanut butter.
We were wrong to consider applying it with a brush or a plasterers trowel. The machine below uses heated peanut butter at high-pressure through an adjustable nozzle to create a perfect even coating:
We are impressed with the accuracy of the spray, and may well equip our painters with them. We are investigating whether there are special adapters for jam or marmite.
In the face of such wonderful technology I’m afraid I wondered off the subject.
Here is a machine for testing the bounciness of bread:
And here is one for determining the precise elasticity of your pizza:
And finally, the machine we have all been waiting for, the one which measures the breaking point of your biscuit:
I’m really supposed to be telling you useful information that has to do with decorating your house, and I promise I’ll try to get my mind back on my work in time for the next newsletter.
In the meantime, while we re-equip with some of the machines above, we can still provide regular painting and decorating services should you require them.