A guide to DIY brain surgery

I tried DIY brain surgery once. My very good friends have pointed out that perhaps I should have saved up for a professional job. 

But British Gas, while waiting for their kettle to boil, have been doing some calculations on the back of a reply-paid envelope and now tell us that British home-owners spend £34 billion a year fixing DIY bodge jobs. 

That’s the sort of bill you don’t want to have to split up at the end of an evening out. Their Local Heroes website calls it an epidemic.

Apparently a third of homeowners wish they’d paid for a tradesman. These desperate DIYers are often identifiable by paintbrushes stuck in their hair or one foot stuck in a paint pot.  

Over their lives an average untrained adult, according to their figures, will mess up nine DIY jobs so spectacularly that they need to call in professional help. At an average cost, in 2017, of £650.

I can lay some claim to speak as a residential decorator, and I’d have to agree that British Gas are not even lying here. Painters and decorators, apparently, make the most from fixing these DIY disasters.

Oh, the stories I could tell you…
More than a third of people surveyed said wallpaper was their downfall, and 29 per cent had difficulty painting walls.

But, tragically, 41 per cent of DIY victims said they wouldn’t know where to go to look for a reliable, qualified professional.

So it is with a sense of moral duty that I offer you our office phone number – a sort of fifth emergency service, if you will. You may want to keep it with you at all times in case you meet a desperate DIYer on the street. God will smile on you if you help this poor individual. 

Should you yourself suffer from a DIY infection, however minor, we will get you the very best of care and treat your case in complete confidence.

Call our helpline on 0208 946 5045 to talk to a qualified expert. Please call before it’s too late….

Best wishes

Geoff Parvin
“Could have been a Judge, if only I’d had the Latin”